Such a One and Worse Than Such a One

Once upon a time, there lived a poor peasant who had no land and not even a crumb in his house. All he had was a dilapidated little hut propped up on the sides with logs to keep it from being blown away by the wind. The peasant had nothing to do, so he spent his days idly wandering around. Eventually, he managed to scrape together enough to get married.

He brought his wife from a distant village. She turned out to be hardworking and capable. When she saw her husband loafing around all day, she began to nag him:

"Get moving, go somewhere, work, earn some money—or we'll starve to death!"

He didn’t feel like working; he had grown lazy. And he didn’t want to get out of his warm bed in the morning either. He wouldn’t get up until his wife grabbed his legs and dragged him out of bed. One day, his wife said to him:

"Go and work some field. Since we don’t have our own, at least plow some government land—maybe something will come of it."

The wife ran to the neighbors, borrowed a plow and oxen, and brought them to her husband.

"You go to work, and I’ll cook lunch and bring it to you in the field."

The husband went. He walked and walked until he reached Kodori Mountain. There he found government land and began plowing. He plowed and plowed. He had already gone over the field three times when suddenly the oxen stopped. The peasant waved his stick.

"Hey!" he shouted.

The oxen pulled again but stopped once more. It seemed the plow had caught on something. The peasant hit the oxen with his stick, and they pulled with all their might, throwing up a huge chest, as big as the sky and the earth.

The peasant was terrified and began to tremble. "I’m doomed, I’ve ruined my family. There must have been something buried in this government land, and I’ve dug it up. The king will hang me for this."

He opened the chest, and what did he see? The chest was full of gold coins. Maybe two or three were silver or copper, but the rest was all gold.

The peasant wept. "Someone will report this to the king, and they’ll kill me."

The poor man sat there crying. Suddenly, he saw a priest approaching. The priest had just finished a service in the village, filled his saddlebags with goods—chickens and pies—and stuffed himself so much that his poor mule could barely carry him. The priest took pity on the poor man.

"My son, what misfortune has befallen you?" The peasant told him everything.

"It’s nothing," the priest comforted him. "I’ll help you, just help me pour all this gold into my saddlebags."

The peasant was overjoyed.

The priest emptied the entire chest. He poured all the large gold coins into his saddlebags, leaving the peasant with only a few small coins.

"Take it, it’s fine. I’ll pray to the Lord, and the king will forgive you."

By the time they were done, it was already noon. Both the priest and the peasant were quite hungry. The peasant saw his wife coming, carrying lunch and a jug of wine. He ran to her and told her how he had been saved from disaster.

"This and that happened, and the priest, God’s messenger, saved me."

His wife was furious.

"I’ll teach you for your stupidity!"

But what could they do? The gold was all with the priest. The wife invited the priest to lunch and whispered to her husband:

"If the priest asks your name, say 'Such-and-Such,' and mine is 'Worse Than Such-and-Such.'"

They sat down to eat. The wife kept pouring wine for the priest but gave none to her husband.

"Give me some of that wonderful drink too," the husband begged. But his wife ignored him.

"Give me some wine," he pleaded again.

His wife glared at him so fiercely that the poor man stopped thinking about wine altogether. Meanwhile, the priest kept guzzling the Chkhaver wine.

"Since you’ve treated me so well, at least tell me your names," the priest said. The wife nudged her husband in the side, and he said:

"I’m 'Such-and-Such,' and my wife is 'Worse Than Such-and-Such.'"

The priest drank so much that he could barely stand.

"My sister," he begged, "let me lie down and sleep." The wife dragged him over, propped him against a tree, and he fell asleep.

"Quick, now," the wife said to her husband, "put the saddlebag full of gold on the mule, get on it yourself, and ride home."

And so they did: the peasant loaded the priest’s mule with the saddlebag full of gold, mounted it, drove the oxen ahead, and rode off.

Meanwhile, the priest kept snoring. The wife ran to the neighbors, borrowed some scissors, and approached the priest. He was sleeping so soundly that he wouldn’t wake up even if cannons were fired. She cut off half his beard and half his mustache, returned the scissors to the neighbors, and ran after her husband.

The priest woke up at dusk. He looked around—no peasant, no wife, no mule, no saddlebag full of gold. What could he do? He jumped up and ran after the husband and wife. As he ran, he saw peasants working in the fields.

"Hello!" the priest called out.

"Hello!" the peasants replied.

"Have you seen 'Such-and-Such'? Did he pass by here?" The peasants laughed.

"No, we haven’t seen any 'Such-and-Such,'" they said. The priest ran on. Again, he saw peasants working in the fields.

"Hello!" he shouted, barely able to breathe.

"Hello!" they replied.

"Have you seen 'Worse Than Such-and-Such' anywhere?" the priest asked.

"It’s hard to see anyone 'Worse Than Such-and-Such,'" the people laughed. "The priest cut off half his beard and is running around like that."

The priest grabbed his beard and realized what had happened.

"Ah, those devilish servants, the husband and wife, have tricked me!"

And so the priest was left a fool. The husband and wife grew rich from the gold. They built themselves a two-story house, had children, and lived happily ever after.

Death there, feast here,
Chaff there, flour here.

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Such a One and Worse Than Such a One

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