How Stepka Talked to the Pan

Once upon a time, there lived a lord, and he was so cruel that it was a real disaster: no one could please him. Everyone feared him like fire. It used to be that if someone came to ask him for something, he would bark, "What do you want?" and the person would be so frightened that they would forget their request.

- "Nothing, my lord, everything is fine," the poor soul would reply.

- "To the stables with him, the scoundrel!" the lord would shout. "Give him a good whipping so he won’t come here again!"

And that was the only way this lord knew how to speak to people. So, people were afraid to talk to him, because if you said something wrong, something against his will, he would flog you to death.

One day, the lord was playing cards and won an estate from a neighboring lord. It was spring. The lord decided to go and inspect his new estate. And once he went, he stayed there all summer: he liked the new estate very much. And indeed, as they say, a new sieve hangs on a nail, while the old one lies under the bench.

Meanwhile, a great misfortune befell the old estate. "How," thought the steward, "can I tell the lord about this misfortune?" But he was afraid to go to him himself. So, he decided to send one of the servants. But no one was willing: who would want to receive extra lashes from the lord?

Now, there was one man in that estate. He was unremarkable in appearance, but he was quick with his words: he never struggled to find the right thing to say. His name was Stepan, but everyone called him Stepka. Stepka heard that the steward was looking for someone to send to the lord, so he came to him and said:

- "Send me—I’ll know how to talk to the lord."

The steward was delighted. He gave Stepka some bread, lard, a handful of copper coins, and sent him on his way.

Stepka walked, jingling the coins, and didn’t miss a single tavern. Whether he walked for a long time or a short time, he finally arrived at the new estate. Stepka wanted to go straight to the lord’s house, but a footman stopped him:

- "What are you doing here, you vagabond!"

And he set the dogs on him.

Stepka took a piece of bread from his bag, threw it to the dogs, and they stopped barking. Then Stepka approached the porch again.

- "What do you want?" shouted the footman. "The lord himself lives here!"

Stepka bowed to the footman and said:

- "Well, my dear lord, it’s the lord himself I need. I’ve come to him from the old estate."

The footman softened a little.

- "Alright," he said, "I’ll inform the lord about you. But tell me, how do you know that I’m the lord?"

- "Hm!" Stepka coughed slyly. "I see: you’re not quite a lord, more like a half-lord, with a low forehead and a runny nose. It’s clear you’ve been licking the lord’s dishes."

The footman got angry, grabbed Stepka by the collar, and started beating him. The lord saw this from the window and called the footman over.

- "Who is this peasant?" the lord asked the footman.

- "Some vagabond from the old estate," the footman replied, bowing low to the lord.

The lord remembered that he hadn’t been to the old estate for a long time.

- "Call him here," he ordered the footman. The footman ran to fetch Stepka, but Stepka took out a tobacco pouch, filled his pipe, pulled out a flint and steel, and started striking a fire. He lit his pipe and began to smoke, spitting on the clean porch of the lord.

- "Go to the chambers, the lord is calling you!" shouted the footman.

- "Is he shivering with fever or something? He can wait!" replied Stepka, puffing on his pipe.

- "Hurry up!" the footman was getting angry. "Or the lord will whip you with rods..."

- "He won’t whip me. I’ll finish my pipe, and then I’ll go."

The lord waited and waited for Stepka, but he didn’t come. He called the footman again:

- "Why isn’t the peasant coming?"

- "He’s smoking his pipe."

The lord got furious:

- "Drag him here!"

Stepka finished his pipe, knocked out the ashes, tucked it into his coat, and then slowly made his way to the lord’s chambers.

The footman ran ahead, opening doors for Stepka as if he were the lord himself.

Stepka entered the lord’s chambers and started coughing after the strong tobacco. He coughed, and the lord waited, only rolling his eyes angrily. Finally, Stepka managed to stop coughing and said:

- "Good day, my lord!"

- "What do you want?" the lord frowned.

- "Everything is fine, my lord."

- "And after fine, what?"

- "Well, my lord, the steward sent me. You see, the lord’s penknife broke."

- "What knife?"

- "Well, the one they used to sharpen the lord’s quills."

- "How did it break?"

- "You know, my lord, they say you can’t weave a bast shoe without a tool. And any tool wears out with use. So it happened with the lord’s knife. They wanted to skin a hound for the lord’s boots, so they took the knife. But the hound’s skin was too tough. Well, the knife broke."

- "What hound? What are you blabbering about, you scoundrel?" the angry lord shouted and was about to order the servants to take Stepka to the stables for a whipping. But Stepka continued:

- "The lord’s hound, the very one—maybe the lord remembers—that once jumped into the well, and when they sent Mikitka to pull it out, he drowned. Yes, the same hound the lord loved to take hunting. If I’m not mistaken, the lord traded three peasants to the neighboring lord for that dog..."

- "So, my best hound is dead?"

- "Dead, my lord."

- "Why did it die?"

- "It overate horse meat, and just like that, it kicked the bucket."

- "What horse meat?"

- "The meat of the stallion."

- "What stallion?"

- "The lord’s black stallion, with a star on its forehead."

- "What, is it dead too?"

- "Dead, my lord. A pity, it was a fine stallion."

- "Oh, what a misfortune!"

- "Eh, my lord, why so sad? It’s well known: if a foal is born with a star on its forehead, it’ll either die or be torn apart by a wolf."

- "Why did the stallion die?"

- "It must have overexerted itself."

- "What, was it overworked? Was it driven too hard?"

- "No, my lord, it wasn’t even ridden, it was standing in the stable."

- "Then what?"

- "They were hauling water with it, my lord."

- "Why did they need water?"

- "Well, my lord, people say that when you’re drowning, you’ll grab at a straw. When the lord’s pigsty caught fire, the steward ordered them to haul water with the stallion."

- "What, the pigsty burned down?"

- "Burned down, my lord."

- "Why did it catch fire?"

- "It must have been too close to the cowshed, so it caught fire from there."

- "So, the cowshed burned down too?"

- "Burned down, my lord, like a candle."

- "Why did it catch fire?"

- "Well, my lord, I don’t know for sure: maybe from the barn, or maybe the fire spread from the house."

- "Oh, so the house burned down too?"

- "Burned down, my lord, clean to the ground, as if someone had licked it clean."

- "And the whole estate burned down?"

- "The whole thing, my lord: clean and smooth, ready for planting turnips."

The lord clutched his head and began to wail.

- "But why did the house catch fire?" the lord asked Stepka again.

- "From the candles, my lord."

- "Why were they lighting candles?"

- "Well, my lord, candles are always lit when someone dies."

- "Who died?"

- "May she rest in peace, so she hiccups lightly in the afterlife—the lady died."

- "What, what?.. What are you saying?.. The lady is dead?!"

- "Dead, my lord..."

When the lord heard this, he fell out of his chair. And Stepka lit his pipe and went home.

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How Stepka Talked to the Pan

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