Biron
Once upon a time, there lived a man named Biron. He would stroll around the city all day wearing a tall top hat. And everyone envied him because they thought his hat was made of pure silver.One day, Biron invited two dandies he didn’t know to a tavern. It should be noted that the tavern keeper often fed Biron on credit and even lent him money. Well, fine. The three of them sat at a table, had a hearty meal, and when it was time to settle the bill with the owner, Biron took off his famous top hat and began to twirl it in his hand. He twirled it and twirled it, muttering:
"Everything’s been paid in full! Everything’s been paid in full!"
"Everything’s been paid in full? That can’t be!" the dandies exclaimed in surprise.
"Why not? My hat has already paid for the feast. If you don’t believe me, ask the owner. Right, owner?" Biron turned to the tavern keeper.
"Of course, it’s true," the tavern keeper confirmed without batting an eye.
"See, and you doubted me!" Biron laughed and walked out onto the street with the dandies.
The two exchanged glances—this thing might be worth buying—and began to beg Biron to sell them his hat.
"No, no, friends," Biron refused, "that’s out of the question. I need it myself."
"Listen, Biron, why are you being so stubborn! Just agree. We’ll pay you well."
"Oh, friends, I’m so sorry to part with my hat!" Biron sighed, pretending to be upset. "But fine, I’ll let you have it for a hundred pistoles, as a favor."
The dandies were delighted. Without haggling, they handed Biron a hundred pistoles and received the hat in return. Without hesitation, they decided to test its magical power and went into a neighboring tavern. They ordered all sorts of snacks, ate their fill, and then began to twirl the hat in their hands, muttering:
"Everything’s been paid in full! Everything’s been paid in full!"
"What nonsense are you spouting?" the tavern keeper grew suspicious. "Paid, you say? Then where’s the money?"
"What do you mean? The hat has paid for everything in full," one of the friends puffed out his chest proudly.
But the tavern keeper didn’t want to listen to their silly tales. He grabbed a stick and lunged at the friends. Whether they liked it or not, they had to cough up the money.
They left the tavern and began to curse Biron with every word they knew.
"That Biron tricked us! Just you wait, you scoundrel! We’ll give you a celebration you’ll never forget..."
And without discussing it further, the friends headed to Biron’s house.
Biron noticed them from afar and grew genuinely worried. But, being a clever man, he immediately figured out how to get out of trouble. He laid his wife on the bed, told her to lie still, and splattered her with ox blood.
The two friends burst into the room and saw a dead woman lying on the bed, with Biron standing next to her, holding a cane. The friends stared at Biron, completely baffled: what was going on? Had he really killed his wife? Then Biron gently tapped his wife with the cane and said:
"Cane, cane, bring my wife back to life!" He tapped her three times, and she stood up. "Well, that’s a miracle!" the friends thought. And the wife went about her business as if nothing had happened.
"Wow!" the friends gasped in amazement. "Explain to us, Biron, what just happened?"
"What’s there to explain? It’s the most ordinary thing," Biron yawned. "Half an hour ago, my wife made me angry. So I killed her, and then, as you saw, I brought her back to life with this cane."
The friends exchanged glances again: they had to buy that cane. After much persuasion, they bought it for two hundred gold pistoles. The friends were thrilled and hurried to a house where their friend had died that morning. They approached the deceased and began to tap him with the cane, muttering:
"Cane, cane, bring our friend back to life!"
But no matter how much they tapped the cane or muttered, their friend didn’t come back to life. Then the friends realized that Biron had tricked them again, and in a fit of rage, they rushed to his house: they had to settle the score for his tricks!
Meanwhile, Biron wasn’t idle. He knew the duped friends wouldn’t leave him alone. So he quickly cooked himself some soup, scooped the hot coals out of the hearth, and placed the pot of bubbling soup on the hot ashes. And just in time! The friends burst through the door and saw Biron sitting by the extinguished hearth, stirring the bubbling soup with a spoon. What kind of miracle was this: no fire in the hearth, yet the soup was boiling!
In an instant, the friends forgot all their grievances and began to question him: what kind of marvelous pot was this? Biron explained that the pot was indeed marvelous: you could cook any food in it without fire. The friends were utterly amazed and, after some haggling, bought the wonder pot from Biron. They ran home, threw some raw meat into the pot, and hung it over the hearth without lighting a fire. They waited a long time for the meat to cook, but it never did. Finally, in frustration, they smashed the cold pot and shouted at the top of their lungs:
"Death to Biron! Death!"
They rushed to his house, tied his hands, stuffed him into a sack, and dragged him to the riverbank to drown him for his audacious tricks. They dragged the sack to the riverbank, caught their breath, and then one of the friends said:
"Well, now we can throw him in the water."
"We can throw him in, but I’m a bit scared," the other hesitated. "Let’s have a drink for courage at the nearby tavern."
"Fine by me..."
They left the sack on the riverbank and ran to the tavern. Of course, Biron heard their conversation, and as soon as they left, he began to shout:
"I don’t want to marry the king’s daughter! I don’t want to marry the king’s daughter!"
At that moment, a mule driver was passing by with his herd. He heard Biron shouting, ran up to the sack, and asked:
"Hey, friend, what are you shouting about? Do you really not want to marry the king’s daughter?"
"Of course not. I’m not good enough for her," Biron replied.
"Then get out of the sack quickly and let me take your place."
"Fine, but untie the sack."
The mule driver untied the sack. Biron climbed out, brushed himself off, then helped the mule driver into the sack and tied it tightly. Then he walked away, driving the herd of mules before him.
Soon, the friends returned to the riverbank and suddenly heard a voice from the sack:
"I agree to marry the king’s daughter!"
"Look what he wants!" the friends laughed. "Better get what you deserve!"
They grabbed the sack, swung it, and—splash!—into the water it went.
"Farewell, Biron!"
Finally, they breathed a sigh of relief and headed home. They walked slowly, rejoicing that they had rid themselves of that detestable trickster. And then... what was this?! Walking down the road was none other than Biron, driving a herd of fat mules with a switch. The friends rubbed their eyes: was this some kind of illusion?
No, it wasn’t an illusion! It was the real Biron!
But how had he gotten there if they had drowned him in the river? Curiosity got the better of them, and they ran up to him, asking:
"Hey, Biron, did you really escape from the river?"
"Can’t you see for yourselves?" he smirked. "And by the way, thanks for throwing me in the river. Turns out, there’s a fair down there. I bought this herd for almost nothing. To be honest, each mule cost me just five francs."
"Do you think there’s still merchandise down there?"
"Where would it go? Of course, there is. But you’d better hurry."
"You’re right, we should hurry!" the friends exclaimed, and without a second thought, they jumped into the river.
From that day on, no one ever saw them again. They must still be wandering around the fair, looking for cheaper mules.
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