Priest Slick Goes to Heaven

"Get up, wife!" said Father Slick to his wife. "Let's load our belongings onto the donkey, take our children, and head to paradise!"

And so they did. They told their children to walk ahead and set off on their journey. Whether they walked a long way or a short way, suddenly they saw Adam approaching them.

"Hey, Father, may this meeting be for good! Where are you going with your whole family, your entire household?"
"To paradise."
"What paradise? Have you lost your mind, Father? How can a person enter paradise before they die, before they lose their life?"
"And who are you to show such ignorance? Tell me your name."
"Don’t you recognize me? I am Adam!"
"Ah, it's you, Adam? The Lord created you with honor, gave you immortality, and placed you in paradise. He granted you all the good things in the world so you could eat, drink, and be merry... But it wasn’t enough for you! You broke God’s commandment, ate the forbidden fruit, and plunged us all into sin! It’s because of you that we suffer, because of your transgression. And yet, with all your sins, you managed to enter paradise, but I can’t?"

Father Slick raised his staff and lunged at Adam... Adam barely managed to dodge. And Father Slick continued on his way. Whether he walked a long way or a short way, suddenly he saw Matos-aga approaching.

"Bless me, Father!"
"Be blessed, my son!"
"Where are you going, Father?"
"To paradise."
"What paradise? Have you gone mad, Father? How can a person enter paradise before they die, before they lose their life?"
"And who are you?"
"I am Matos-aga."
"Hey, insatiable Matos! Didn’t the Lord grant you 199 years of life, and yet it wasn’t enough for you? You even asked God for more, and the Lord sent his angel to you, saying through him: 'Matos-aga, grab the neck of an ox: however many hairs you can grasp with your hand, that’s how many more years I’ll add to your life!' But you, greedy Matos, threw your whole body onto the ox. At that moment, the Lord’s angel struck you on the head, and your life was gone... So it turns out that even with all your greed, you managed to sneak into paradise, but I can’t?" Father Slick swung his staff—Matos-aga barely dodged.

Father Slick walked on, and soon he met the forefather Noah.

"Bless me, Father! Where are you headed?"
"Be blessed! I’m going to paradise."
"Stop this madness, Father! Who ever heard of a man heading to paradise before he dies?"
"And who are you to speak to me like that?"
"I am Noah, the forefather."
"Ah, so it’s you... You managed to trick God, made Him send a flood to destroy the earth, wiped out all the people, and yet you sneaked into paradise?! I’ll burst if I don’t get into paradise!"

Father Slick walked on, and soon he met the patriarch Abraham.

"May this meeting be for good, Father Slick! Where are you headed?"
"To paradise."
"Stop this madness, Father! Who ever heard of a man heading to paradise before he dies?"
"Well, you can die if you like! You’d have been a good man if you hadn’t killed your son... But you slaughtered your young son and still managed to sneak into paradise, and I can’t?!" Father Slick swung his staff, and Abraham ran away.

Father Slick walked on, and soon he met the prophet Moses.

"Where are you headed, Father?"
"To paradise."
"Have you lost your mind, Father? Who ever heard of people going to paradise with their wives, children, and livestock? A person must first die, lose their life, and only then can they enter paradise."
"And who are you to give me orders?"
"I am the prophet Moses!"
"Hey, lisping Moses, do you think you’re such a righteous man? You deceived your people, led them into the desert, kept them there for forty years, almost destroying them all... If you were truly so righteous, why did you die on the mountaintop without ever seeing the Promised Land? Get out of here! Or I’ll take my staff and break your legs!" Father Slick swung his staff, and Moses ran away.

Father Slick walked on, and soon he met the prophet David.

"Where are you headed, Father?"
"To paradise."
"May your house not fall, Father! Who ever heard of going to paradise with your wife, children, and livestock? Have you gone mad?"
"Tell me your name, let’s see who you are."
"Are you blind? Don’t you see it’s the prophet David!"
"May you go blind yourself, lecherous David! Didn’t you, with forty wives, kill Uriah to take his wife? And after that, you ended up in paradise, and I can’t?!" Father Slick swung his staff. David ran away.

Father Slick walked on, and soon someone stood in front of the donkey and shouted angrily:

"Hey, who are you, walking on the road without permission with your children, wife, and livestock?"
"I am Father Slick. I’ve taken my children, wife, and donkey, and together we’re going to paradise."
"Turn around and go back right now, or I’ll take your soul! Who ever heard of a man going to paradise with his wife, children, and livestock?"
"And who are you to raise your voice at me?"
"Are you blind? Don’t you see who’s in front of you? I am the archangel Gabriel, whom God sends to take people’s souls when their time has come to die."
"Hey, crazy Gabriel, striking down a thousand innocent people a day! So you can enter paradise, but I can’t!" Father Slick swung his staff and lunged at Gabriel, striking him on the ankles... The archangel Gabriel hopped away, limping and barely escaping, while Father Slick continued on his way.

Whether they walked a long way or a short way, suddenly they saw white walls and white buildings in the distance.

"Listen, wife," said Father Slick, "we must have reached paradise. Let’s sit down, have a bite to eat, rest a bit, and then we’ll go into paradise."

They sat down, ate, drank, rested, and then got up and walked toward the white walls and buildings. But before they could reach the walls, someone stood before them and asked:

"Who are you, and where are you going?"
"I am Father Slick. This is my wife, these are my children, and this is my donkey, loaded with our belongings. We’re all going to paradise together."
"Are you in your right mind, Father? You were a priest, after all, you’ve read the Bible, you know what’s written in black and white... Don’t you know that until a person dies, until they’re buried and pass into the afterlife, there can be no talk of paradise?"
"But we’ve reached the gates of paradise! Let us in—we just want to see what this paradise is all about!"
"No, what you’re asking is impossible!"
"Who are you? At least tell us your name."
"I am Jesus Christ."
"May your house fall, as it already has! If you were so righteous in life, they wouldn’t have caught you and crucified you on the cross! Turn around, wife, let’s go back. May the Lord destroy such a paradise that denies entry to people."

With that, Father Slick took his wife, children, and donkey loaded with their belongings, and returned home, disappointed and angry, with nothing to show for their journey.

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Priest Slick Goes to Heaven

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